Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Guilt and Grief

So about 2 1/2 weeks ago I had an off day and I was thinking about visiting my aunt who I hadn't seen in a while. I knew she'd love them company because she can't leave the house much with her emphysema which is exacerbated by exersion. So that day I watched a movie or worked online instead thinking yeah next off day. Well I found out on Sunday she had a stroke and is now in a coma. I knew my uncle would be so hurt. They have been married for about 60 yrs. (they are my great aunt and uncle) So I went to visit in the ICU yesterday and visited. I wanted to see her as a patient so I could detatch myself. But I couldn't. She was on the vent because she had sstopped breathing on Sunday. Apparently for 4 minutes before anyone caught it. They told my uncle there will be irreversible brain damage. I stared at her vitals trying to pretend I didn't know what they meant. Not triggering the vent at all. Irregular heart beat. And not much there. I don't know how to deal with grief. I have always told myself crying is what weak people do. I ignore it. I push it to the side. I feel a little bad that I didn't visit when I should have but not really. I feel a little sad but not really. Am I heartless. My aunt is great. I love her and my uncle. What happens when it's over she's gone and I still feel complacent. Where did my soul go? - Jessiye 6:13

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